336 funny job quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up? I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had.

May 23, 2026

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

May 23, 2026

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job.

May 23, 2026

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work. The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

May 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

May 23, 2026

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

May 23, 2026

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email.

May 23, 2026

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home.

May 23, 2026

The worst thing I’ve seen as a paramedic is my paycheck.

May 23, 2026

Cover letters are so embarrassing. Why am I writing a love letter to this shitty company?

May 23, 2026

I wish I was a cat. No bills, no job, just meow, meow.

May 23, 2026

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one.

May 23, 2026

Yeah, I can explain that gap on my resume, I tried to move a picture in Word.

May 23, 2026

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job, like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

May 23, 2026

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now. I really appreciate the opportunity though.

May 23, 2026

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

May 23, 2026

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this. Me: That’d be great.

May 23, 2026

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

May 22, 2026

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life. It’s just a hobby.

May 22, 2026

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”. Apparently, the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

May 22, 2026

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.

May 22, 2026

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

May 22, 2026

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

May 22, 2026

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”.

May 22, 2026

Video games are great. They let you try out your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.

May 22, 2026

Companies post open positions online and then ask you why you applied to them.

May 22, 2026

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

May 22, 2026

I was thinking of becoming self employed, but due to cutbacks, I can’t afford to hire me right now.

May 22, 2026

I don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant, I desperately need someone to take my job, it’s killing me.

May 22, 2026

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working.

May 22, 2026

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

May 22, 2026

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work.

May 22, 2026

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

May 22, 2026

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

May 22, 2026

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

May 22, 2026

I applied for a job and got it, and now I really have to go there. Crap!

May 22, 2026

I hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. You have one job. Be a pillow man. You are pillow. Act like one!

May 22, 2026

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

May 22, 2026

Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

May 22, 2026

I need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms, where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations.

May 22, 2026