388 funny parenting quotes - Page 7 - Wordgag

I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

May 20, 2026

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

May 20, 2026

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead.

May 20, 2026

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it.

May 20, 2026

Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

May 20, 2026

Before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

May 20, 2026

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

May 20, 2026

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

May 20, 2026

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

May 20, 2026

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

May 20, 2026

Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach your kid about stingrays, and he will pretend to sting you all afternoon.

May 20, 2026

I love when women have one daughter as their only child. It’s so incredibly chic.

May 20, 2026

Not gonna lie, toddlers absolutely nailed it with naps, buttered noodles, and rejecting authority.

May 20, 2026

No parenting book prepares you for the stank of your kid’s soccer bag.

May 19, 2026

The more I use social media, the more I see why children shouldn’t.

May 19, 2026

I love spending my parents’ money, they must pay for bringing me into this world.

May 19, 2026

I can’t believe bedtime used to be a punishment.

May 19, 2026

In retrospect, I guess “one drunken night of stupidity” isn’t the best response when a child asks you where babies come from.

May 19, 2026

Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

May 19, 2026

My favorite part of parenting is when the kids are bored enough to entertain themselves, but getting to that point is excruciating.

May 19, 2026

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

May 19, 2026

If you’re thinking of becoming a parent, just imagine working 6,570 days straight without a day off.

May 19, 2026

“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

May 19, 2026

Kids be like, I see you have a moment to yourself, and I must correct that immediately.

May 19, 2026

Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

May 19, 2026

My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

May 19, 2026

Toddlers: the brutally honest roommates nobody asked for!

May 19, 2026

Babies will literally step on your face just to grab what they want.

May 18, 2026

Childbirth seems like an awful lot of work for an already saturated market.

May 18, 2026

Vacations are expensive, but how else could you put a price tag on your kids being ungrateful in a different city.

May 18, 2026

Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel.

May 18, 2026

Celebrities should not be allowed to name children.

May 18, 2026

Settling down and getting married so I can finally meet the au pair of my dreams.

May 18, 2026

Being a baby in a stroller under the plastic cover when it’s raining must be a major vibe.

May 18, 2026

Maybe your baby is crying because it wants a cigarette.

May 18, 2026

The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1.

May 6, 2026

Why do babies cry when they are tired? Like, just go to sleep, bro, no one is stopping you.

Apr 1, 2026

Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

Apr 1, 2026

I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.

Apr 1, 2026

Kids these days are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7, and my mom made me walk it off.

Apr 1, 2026