388 funny parenting quotes - Page 6 - Wordgag

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

May 23, 2026

It’s only 9am and I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

May 23, 2026

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

May 23, 2026

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving bloody crumb trails.

May 23, 2026

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

May 23, 2026

My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

May 22, 2026

The worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that they’re playing nicely together.

May 22, 2026

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new Pokémon called Puke-Achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life.

May 22, 2026

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires. So, I grounded him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

May 22, 2026

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

May 22, 2026

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

May 22, 2026

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

May 22, 2026

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

May 22, 2026

I don’t believe in lying to children, unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine.

May 22, 2026

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything.

May 22, 2026

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then do the exact opposite of what I just said.

May 22, 2026

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn an instrument.

May 22, 2026

I went to clean bathroom and I’m 99% sure my kids shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon.

May 22, 2026

Just give your kids the iPad. They’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

May 22, 2026

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

May 22, 2026

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around and ask you for $20.

May 22, 2026

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted.

May 22, 2026

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

May 22, 2026

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

May 22, 2026

I want my house spotless, but kicking my kids out seems wrong.

May 22, 2026

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks, I had lunch yesterday.”

May 22, 2026

Millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to.

May 22, 2026

I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.

May 22, 2026

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called.

May 22, 2026

Wolves should really raise more people.

May 22, 2026

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do.

May 22, 2026

Raising a teenager is like nailing pudding to the wall.

May 22, 2026

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

May 22, 2026

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

May 22, 2026

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple.

May 22, 2026

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores.

May 22, 2026

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

May 22, 2026

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

May 22, 2026

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

May 22, 2026

It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.

May 22, 2026