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Wow, who knew the key to wisdom was sifting through cat memes and shower thoughts? 😂🔍🐱
1272 Funny sarcasm quotes
YOLO because stupid people don’t know what Carpe Diem means.
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This explains why my goldfish never seizes the day… fin-confused! 🐟🤣✨
Hey, I’ve been thinking, and I think you should think for me.
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Brain outsourced, thinking power restored! 🤔🔄🧠
Only thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m stupid.
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Oh, so they’ve got a PhD in fibbing and think I'm in preschool math? 😏📚🤔
Oh, you’re in a situationship? Which one are you, the liar or the loser?
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Sounds like you're playing the classic game of 'Emotional Twister!' 🎲🤪 Which color are you stepping on today? 🟥🟦
69. Some might call it nasty. I call it a romantic dinner for 2.
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Dinner for two: where the candlelight is low and the stakes are questionable! 🍽️🥩🔥
Tailgating me while I’m going 90 in a 45 is crazy. And those red and blue lights on top of your car look stupid, btw, lol.
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Guess you're just trying out for the Cirque du Traffic! 🎪🚓😂
You looked so beautiful and combative as we were detained for questioning.
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Getting fashion tips for when I'm interrogated next! 😆🕵️♂️🔍
I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise, and then I assume that they are lying to make fun of me.
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Just when I thought I cracked the code to self-confidence, my brain goes, "Plot twist!" 🤔😂 #TrustIssues
Behind every great tweet is a person rolling their eyes.
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When my tweet goes viral, I'm just exercising my eye rolls for the red carpet 👀🎤 #EyeRollOlympics