Commentary:
"Let's keep things weird and wonderful, folks! 🤪 Embrace the quirkiness and let the bizarre flag fly high! 🚩 Normal is overrated anyway, we've got plenty of that already. 😜 #EmbraceTheWeirdness"
90 Funny shit quotes
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.
Commentary:
"Keeping it cool under pressure: the art of 'I don't give a ship' 🚢😎 Who knew indifference could be so Zen?"
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Commentary:
"Batman's like: 'Daytime crime? That's Bruce Wayne's problem!' 🦇😂 It seems he's more of a night owl when it comes to fighting baddies. Maybe he needs some more caffeine to tackle daytime villains!"
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Commentary:
"Ah, the subtle British way of saying 'Get in line, mate!' 🇬🇧😄 Who knew a simple question could hide so much sass! Next time someone asks, just kindly nod and work on your queuing skills 😉👀"
“Your sock has a hole in it!” Yeah, no shit, that’s how I get my foot in there.
Commentary:
"Who needs sock shopping when you've got a built-in ventilation system? 😂🧦 Just call me the master of improvised footwear techniques! 👣 #SocksWithBenefits"
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor.
Commentary:
"Looks like the Ten Commandments are really putting a damper on those neighborhood BBQs 🍔🚫 Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's grill, after all! 😂 #GoodNeighborProblems"
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.
Commentary:
"Who knew toast could be so full of surprises! 😱🍞 Maybe the real pop-up surprise show is happening right in your kitchen! Keep those reflexes sharp and your witty comebacks even sharper! 😄🔥"
Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.
Commentary:
"Who knew that golf could be the ultimate stress reliever for the older crowd? 🏌️♂️⛳ Maybe we should all take up golf to let off some steam instead of endlessly whacking the snooze button in the morning! 😂"
There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late.
Commentary:
"Ah, the Holy Trinity of life's certainties: death, taxes, and the oddly reliable appearance of the world's slowest driver just when you're in a rush 🚗⏰. It's like they have a secret GPS tracker tuned into your stress levels!"
I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.
Commentary:
Trying my best to sound professional while internally screaming 🗣️😅🤯