Commentary:
"Looks like the Ten Commandments are really putting a damper on those neighborhood BBQs 🍔🚫 Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's grill, after all! 😂 #GoodNeighborProblems"
95 Funny shit quotes
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.
Commentary:
"Who knew toast could be so full of surprises! 😱🍞 Maybe the real pop-up surprise show is happening right in your kitchen! Keep those reflexes sharp and your witty comebacks even sharper! 😄🔥"
Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.
Commentary:
"Who knew that golf could be the ultimate stress reliever for the older crowd? 🏌️♂️⛳ Maybe we should all take up golf to let off some steam instead of endlessly whacking the snooze button in the morning! 😂"
There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late.
Commentary:
"Ah, the Holy Trinity of life's certainties: death, taxes, and the oddly reliable appearance of the world's slowest driver just when you're in a rush 🚗⏰. It's like they have a secret GPS tracker tuned into your stress levels!"
I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.
Commentary:
Trying my best to sound professional while internally screaming 🗣️😅🤯
Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.
Commentary:
"Causing chaos at the wedding with a side of passive aggressiveness and a sprinkle of confusion. 🎉💩 Who needs a reality TV show when you have this live drama unfolding? 😂"
I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit.
Commentary:
"Ah, the golden realization of not giving a poop emoji about those who don't appreciate your fabulous self! 🤷♂️ Stay unbothered and shine on, my friend! 💁♀️💅"
Some people post such depressing love shit that I start to miss their exes myself!
Commentary:
"Reading their love posts is like a rollercoaster of emotions – you can't help but feel the urge to send condolences to the exes! 🎢😂 #RelationshipDrama"
Ho, ho, holy shit is Christmas stressful.
Commentary:
"🎅 Ho, ho, holy shit is right! Christmas: the season of jolly chaos, gift wrapping woes, and tangled fairy lights 😅🎁🎄 Just remember, it's all part of the ho-ho-holiday fun… right? 🤪 #ChristmasStress #TisTheSeasonToBeStressed"
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Commentary:
Oh, the lyrical struggles of our pre-internet era! 🎶😱 Back then, misheard lyrics were a way of life, and we jammed out to songs with our own unique interpretations. Oh, the horror when we finally discovered the truth – say goodbye to our ridiculous renditions! Teens today, basking in the glory of lyrics sites, will never understand the struggle of thinking the wrong lyrics were right for years. Ah, the innocence of youth! 😂