Going on dates is hard because do I like them or do I just have sooo much fun being me.

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In the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.

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Kinda in the mood to let my feelings impair my judgement.

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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans.

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A babysitter is a teenager who acts like an adult while the adults go out to act like teenagers.

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Having children is a pyramid scheme.

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Me at war: You guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

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My anti-theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

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You befriend a guy and a few days later he’s like “I wanna talk to you about something”. Please, God, let it be about the economy.

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My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

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Currently accepting DMs from any man with a sturdy bunker on his property.