I have now spread out a blue tarpaulin in the garden. I want it to look like I have a pool on Google Maps.

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Born to be quiet and mysterious, forced to yap whenever I get the chance.

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There are two types of people at work: Those who work and those who have become pros at looking busy.

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Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

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I just ate, and now I’m going swimming, so I guess this is goodbye.

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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

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I thought I had more straws. Sorry, turns out that was the last one.

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I noticed you haven’t posted in a few weeks, and just wanted to thank you.

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Rule number 1 at a concert: Don’t sing while filming!

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Those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.