If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

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Ordered a coffee, and the barista said, “Anything else?” and I almost said, “Stability.”

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Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.

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Doggy style means I get a treat afterwards, right?

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Many men also have a walk-in closet. For them, it’s just called a floor.

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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

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Wow, another wooden ball. Would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there?

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Biting the heads off all these gingerbread men if you wanna swing by.