Maybe Baby wants to be put in the corner.

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Once you are able to find humor in any situation, you’ve either reached enlightenment or you’re just a little unhinged.

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I ordered mushrooms on my pizza. When do they kick in?

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“Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas.

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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

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Stop blaming others for your mistakes. Study Feng Shui and blame the furniture.

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What is Washington’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat?