Please don’t match my crazy. One of us has to be rational here, and it’s definitely not going to be me.

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People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” … yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.

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They get real weird at the gun store if you walk in crying and asking for “the biggest one”.

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My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

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When I retire, I’m going to run for office.

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Girlhood is taking hundreds of pictures only to post one or none at all.

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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem.

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Sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder. Should I just start reading it aloud?

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When I say I love the ocean, I mean I love the surface. Whatever goes on beneath has my respect, but it’s none of my business.

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Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

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Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.