Commentary:
That moment when my nose wants to file its own paperwork ๐
๐ซ๐
Random Funny Quotes
I love the smell of someone burning their last bridge with me.
Commentary:
Looks like someone's ready to invest in a kayak, because they're fresh out of bridges! ๐๐ฅ๐ฃโโ๏ธ
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
Commentary:
"Wow, with all that knowledge and sophistication, I might as well start calling you Yogurt! ๐ง๐ฆ Just remember, the more cultured you are, the less likely you'll curdle under pressure! ๐๐ฅ"
If I was a weather man, Iโd leak the weather early to pretty women.
Commentary:
"If I was a weather man, I'd have a radar for beauty and a forecast for charm! โ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ Who needs Doppler when you can dazzle with data and charm with charm? ๐๐ฆ๏ธ #WeatherFlirting"
These cannot be the same knees that used to get low in heels at the club.
Commentary:
When did my knees join the Witness Protection Program? ๐บ๐ฆต๐
When I’m on hold and the song ends, I always expect someone to pick up the phone.
Commentary:
When the hold music stops, I'm ready with my acceptance speech ๐๐ค๐
As a parent of a teenage daughter, I would like to formally apologize to my parents for my tube-top and low-rise jeans era.
Commentary:
Fashion crimes of the past come back to haunt us all! ๐
๐๐
Every man learns for himself the uselessness of owning an iPad.
Commentary:
When you finally realize that your iPad has become the world's most expensive TV remote ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐
Crying while wearing a backpack has unlocked a new level of humiliation I did not know was possible.
…
Commentary:
"Next up: crying while doing a plank in a crowded gym! ๐
๐๐ญ #FitnessEmotions"
I donโt flirt, I just say weird things and hope something sticks.
Commentary:
"Flirting level: Expert in awkwardness ๐คช Who needs pickup lines when you've got a collection of bizarre statements? Just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks! ๐๐
#AwkwardlyCharming"