Every guy wants to be called Daddy till that test comes back positive.

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Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

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Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train.

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Heard a recording of my own voice, and now I can never speak again.

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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse, so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating.

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I feel like a wildlife photographer when I spend hours trying to capture my teenager’s smile.

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If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.

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I need something good to watch while I’m on my phone.

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The first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack.

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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget, they end up being hidden from me too.