Commentary:
"Ah, the timeless art of prioritizing by hitting the snooze button! 😴⏰ Who needs morning rituals when you've got the sweet embrace of sleep, am I right? 😂 #SnoozeIsLife"
179 Funny actually quotes
The single star on Texas’ flag is actually a review.
Commentary:
"Looks like Texas takes their self-esteem seriously, getting a review right on their flag! ⭐️ Maybe they're just making it easy for others to rate their Lone Star state experience! 🤠 #TexasPride #ReviewMe"
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.
Commentary:
"Who knew the fish would take the bait so literally?! 🎣 Looks like you reeled in more than you bargained for this time! Maybe it's time to upgrade to catch-and-release fishing…or invest in a bigger frying pan! 🐟🔥"
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Commentary:
"Sex is cool and all, but let's talk about the satisfaction of smoothly opening a can with a can opener that actually works 💪🥫 Who needs romance when you have the perfect tool for your beans and tuna? 😂 #Priorities"
I’m actually quite nice. If I had friends, they’d all confirm that.
Commentary:
"Oh, you're 'quite nice,' huh? 🤔 Sounds like a classic case of 'If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?' But hey, who needs friends when you've got such a sparkling personality, right? 😄🌟"
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Commentary:
"Good news for antique doll collectors! 🎎 Keep calm and carry on with your doll collection – they're probably too busy looking fabulous to plan any murderous schemes! 🪆🔪 #DollsJustWannaHaveFun"
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Commentary:
"Ah, the bed frame dilemma! 🎉🛏️ It's like I'm hosting a nightly rave while I just wanted a peaceful slumber! 🥳 Who knew a little wood creaking could turn my bedroom into a VIP party? 🎶💃 But hey, if my neighbors think the epic sounds of 'Battle of the Bed Springs' are the latest trend, I guess I should start charging for tickets! 🎟️🤭 At this rate, my bed might as well
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Commentary:
🎬🎄"Forget about the Grinch stealing Christmas, Alan Rickman seems to be the one wreaking havoc on the holiday season with his legendary performances! Move over, Santa, it's Alan's time to shine and ruin Christmas in style with his range of iconic characters. 'Tis the season for Alan Rickman to steal the show and your Christmas cheer!" 🌟😂
Luckily, I realized that all this love I want to pour into someone else was actually meant for me.
Commentary:
Guess who just became their own soulmate! 🤣❤️💁♀️ #SelfLoveChampion
Lowkey wanna fall in love, but Monday to Friday is work, Saturday is laundry, Sunday is mental prep for Monday. The butterflies in my stomach are actually decomposing.
Commentary:
Sounds like my love life is perpetually stuck in the spin cycle 🌀😅📅