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Does membership include free peanuts? 🐘🤐🥜
1681 Funny irony quotes
Sometimes I can’t believe people have had the honor of experiencing my love and chose to hurt me instead.
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Who knew my love came with a warranty and they still didn't read the fine print? 🤦♀️💔😂
Free will: where you get to choose your own adventure … and regret it.
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Ah, yes, nothing like choosing your own adventure just to discover you've picked the scenic route to Regretville! 😅🗺️🤦♂️
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly, great call from the haters.
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"Even the haters are impressed by my consistency 😂🎯 #NailedIt"
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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When the universe misses your memo for 'Spontaneous Office Barbecue Day'! 🔥😂🏢
Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it’s only Wednesday.
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When you think you're about to hit the weekend jackpot, but life hands you a Wednesday: midweek plot twist! 😂🙈😩
I downloaded a meditation app. Now I’m stressed about missing sessions.
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When you need a meditation app to calm down from your meditation app 😅🧘♂️📱
If I say “with all due respect,” nothing respectful is about to come out of my mouth.
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When "with all due respect" is the appetizer, brace yourself for the main course of sass! 😅👀🍽️
Sex is cool, but have you ever made peace with the horror of being alive.
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When life gives you existential dread, just remember: deep breaths and chocolate cake save the day 🍰😅
I’m upset that my parents never got rich enough for me to become a socialist.
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Guess I'll just have to settle for being a fiscally conservative dreamer 💸🤔✨