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Golf would be more exciting to watch if they played naked.

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That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

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Why touch grass when you can touch ass?

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I fall in love with a song and play it until I absolutely donโ€™t wanna hear it no more.

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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser history.

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Donating blood today to make room for more food.

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People shouldnโ€™t be at the grocery store the same time as me. Get out of the way.

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I like how my fridge also hums when it’s trying to concentrate.

I like how my fridge also hums when it’s trying to concentrate.

Commentary:
Sounds like my fridge and I have the same work ethic: hum a little, pretend to concentrate, and hope nobody notices ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸงŠ๐Ÿ˜…



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Asking Santa Claus for nudes.

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Being single: When you don’t have to wait for someone to watch the next Netflix episode.

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“Thanks for your payment!” Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

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December. A desperate celebration of an end.

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Parents will discover a movie on Netflix that you can’t even imagine.

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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that arenโ€™t microwave- and dishwasher-safe.

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According to the BMI chart, I am too short.