I used to love going out with people. Now I weigh the pros and cons of human interaction, like it’s a business decision.

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Most venomous snakes just make “Tsssss”. But I know some that say “Hi”.

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Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”. So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

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Real introverts are too introverted to tell people they’re introverts.

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I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

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Once you book a trip, it becomes hard to focus on life.

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When the past calls, don’t answer it. It has nothing new to tell you.