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If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called Audacity.

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Staying weird for my own sanity.

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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

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The sexual tension between me and not finishing the last 2 episodes of a drama.

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You feel me? Bro, I haven’t felt anything since the Scholastic Book Fair.

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For whom the doom scrolls!

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Adulthood – a never-ending story of shit you have to do.

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Spoiler alert: Monday doesnโ€™t care about your feelings.

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Having a blocked nose really makes you appreciate the finer things in life, like breathing normally.

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Statistically speaking, on average, a person has two arms, two legs, one testicle, and one ovary.

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โ€œIโ€™m not short. Iโ€™m just more down to earth than most people.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not short. Iโ€™m just more down to earth than most people.โ€

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"Being closer to the ground just means I'm a pro at finding loose change! ๐Ÿ€๐Ÿ’ฐ"



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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡น has bookmarked:

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

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I wish I was as tired in bed at night as I am after lunch at work.

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Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

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This is an awful time to be an educated person.

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If you wanna make someone cry, just show them the earliest year they can retire.

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The audacity of my parentsโ€™ oldies station now playing 80s music.

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Blackout curtains are dangerous, because it’s 1 p.m. outside and 1 a.m. in here.

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If you accuse me of yelling, you will start to hear yelling so you can note the difference in the future.

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Commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart.

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When life shuts a door, open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.

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