Instead of making a sound, car alarms that go off at night should blast your name so everyone knows it’s your car.

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Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

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I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love Island”

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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance.

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“What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently?” I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day.

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I’m not saying I’ve aged like fine wine, but I am currently being stored in a dark place and avoiding sunlight at all costs.

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If you were the birthday gift I bought my wife some months ago, where would you be hiding?

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I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

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It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes.

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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.