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Accessories can really boost a woman’s self-confidence. For example, I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times.

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Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

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The sound of rain outside when you’re in bed is elite.

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Welcome to your 40’s: you get excited about avocados now.

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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news.

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I’m doing well at accomplishing nothing today and I’m very proud of myself.

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I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

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“Can’t wait till I get older” was the dumbest thing I ever said.

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How old were you when you realized others couldn’t see the matrix?

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Saturdays are for doing absolutely everything or doing absolutely nothing, everybody knows that.