Me leaving the house: I hope I don’t see anyone.

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In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.

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No, I am not refreshed from my long weekend. I was reminded that I am not meant to work, but I am trapped in The Machine.

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Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

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You give a man your heart and he’s gonna put it under another girl’s picture.

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Men need women, women need men. The end.

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Some people don’t have a permanent handwriting. It depends on their mood and the pen they use.