My favorite dance move is trying to get out of my own way.

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Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle.

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The only warning I take seriously these days is when my cell phone battery is low.

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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon.

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The gothic urge to live in a sleepy seaside town with a terrifying backstory.

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My summer body is just my winter body with better lighting.

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A good substitute for love and and personal fulfillment is a big bowl of fries.

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I’m waiting for the perfect moment to stop procrastinating.

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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable.

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Stop eating cakes with the fakes and come eat a bundt with a cundt.

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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.