My love language is caffeine and being left alone until I’m kind again.

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Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family.

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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

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I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

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I’m actually really good looking if you don’t look at me.

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I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before.

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Getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of angry.

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All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being lazy.

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Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.