Commentary:
Time to admit, that my bank account is now officially my secret Santa 🎅💸🎁
Straight man stuns they/them by ordering in fluent woke.
Commentary:
Fluent in woke? That sounds like a totally new dialect only the baristas at vegan cafés understand! 🌱☕️
Don’t blame the alcohol. You were an idiot before you started drinking.
Commentary:
Looks like the drink just enhanced your inner superhero powers of idiocy! 🍸🦸♂️🙃
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely tweeted your manic thoughts today.
Commentary:
Looks like someone's thoughts are buffering today! 🐦💭🔄
I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.
Commentary:
Spicy chicken: the real truth serum! 🔥🐔😜
Better to be an overthinker than an overdrinker.
Commentary:
Swapping wine for whine since day one 🍷🤔 #HealthyChoices
If I were to “picture everybody in the room naked,” I would be stunned and in awe of the beauty and diversity of the human form before me. But thanks for the advice.
Commentary:
Wow, I've never been to an art gallery and a conference at the same time! 🎨🤭✨
Why touch grass when you can touch ass?
Commentary:
Priorities, am I right? 😂🍑🌿
Every CVS has its own unique energy that’s powerful enough to exalt or destroy the individual.
Commentary:
Walking into a CVS is like entering the Bermuda Triangle of last-minute purchases! Hope you make it out with your wallet and sanity intact! 💸🌀😂
According to my Spotify Wrapped, I am what got played the most this year.
Commentary:
Guess I'm the top hit of the year! Time to drop my debut album: Greatest Hits of Procrastination. 🎶😄📅