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Just waiting for my personal misting service to start—fresh and fabulous hour by hour! 🌞💦🥒
I have been alive all my life, and have not once seen a Chinese food commercial.
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No commercials needed; the fortune cookies spread the word! 🍜🥠🤣
You don’t do laundry once a week. You do it constantly, endlessly, forever—until you die.
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Living the spin cycle life—perpetually sorting colors from whites like a never-ending quest! 🧺😅🌀
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax, and rich people can go to jail.
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When even the dice can land you behind bars faster than a private jet 🚔😂💸
Today I went for a walk with a girl, she noticed me, so we went for a run.
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When you think you're on a romantic stroll but accidentally sign up for a marathon 🏃♂️🏃♀️💨
When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.
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Accidentally turning laughter into disaster—talk about a side-splitting mix-up! 😂🤣
I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish, I just can’t stop coming to conclusions.
Commentary:
Coming to conclusions is my cardio! 🤔🏃♂️💡
If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.
Commentary:
I'm no math whiz, but even I know that's a lot of failed tests! 📚🤓💸
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park, but it’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.
Commentary:
That's one way to make sure you never lose a chess piece! 😂♟️🧓🧓
My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party, and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.
Commentary:
Looks like your twin won the secret sibling lottery! 🎉🎈😂