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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ช has viewed:

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฑ๐Ÿ‡พ has copied:

The Gulf of Mexico shouldโ€™ve been renamed to Sea Seรฑor.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ญ๐Ÿ‡น has viewed:

Every time my kids start whining, I get the urge to call my mom and apologize.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡ฑ has downloaded:

Hobosexual. A person who dates you with the sole interest of having a place to stay.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡บ has viewed:

I donโ€™t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡บ has shared:

I googled my symptoms, and I just need a day with you in the mountains.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ฉ has copied:

Welcome to Elephant in the Room club, no one talks about it.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ฟ has downloaded:

Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡ณ has copied:

No time like now to start โ€œflossing regularlyโ€ before tomorrowโ€™s dental appointment.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ท has shared:

Unless you fell off the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

Funny Quotes Data ๐Ÿค“

New Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,706

Social Media Log ๐Ÿ’ซ

Seen just now on Discord:

“I bought this while depressed” should be an acceptable reason to get a full refund on a return.

Freshly posted on Discord:

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing.

Going viral on Reddit:

I canโ€™t believe we became the adults in the most unaffordable period in history.

Live now on WhatsApp:

If I was a priest, Iโ€™d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around.

Spotted on X:

I donโ€™t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Shared recently on Slack:

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Live now on X:

The husband, child, and dog are all snoring. WTF is this?

Seen just now on WeChat:

Coffee is better when you have no work.

Just shared via WeChat:

This email couldโ€™ve been sex.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Spotify wrapped is like my annual mental health report and it’s getting worse by each passing year.

The cost of living has gotten so high, Iโ€™m thinking about having a nap for dinner.

Witty quote about high living costs and choosing a nap for dinner.
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Commentary:
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Social Media Stars โญ

58 shares on Slack this month:

A fabric tomato filled with needles. Donโ€™t see that much anymore.

97 shares on Facebook this month:

Anyone know how to grow a money tree?

28 shares on Snapchat this month:

Dear predictive text, I am tired of sending people โ€œThanksgivingโ€ when they send me a recipe or directions.

40 shares on Instagram this month:

Women are so hot, I wish they were good people.

60 shares on X this month:

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

58 shares on Facebook this month:

My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

71 shares on Messenger this month:

Hey, sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.

68 shares on Telegram this month:

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday, and ruins it for us.

45 shares on Instagram this month:

Gotta find someone youโ€™re thermostatically compatible with. You canโ€™t be a 74 dating a 62.

27 shares on Slack this month:

Every time I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere, I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Trending Topics ๐Ÿ“

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Hot Jokes ๐Ÿ’ฅ

13 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

Iโ€™m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years โ€œcurrent.โ€

10 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

I hate lying to my parents but it’s for their own good.

16 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

A dinosaur as a pet would solve so many problems. Mainly, people problems.

10 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

My 3 weeks without sweets were over after 12 hours. Proof that time runs faster with increasing age.

20 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

I never learned to swim because I didnโ€™t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate.

19 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

I’ve already picked out my sweatpants for New Year’s Eve.

10 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

I hate it when Iโ€™m outside, and an insect lands and crawls on my glasses, and for a split second, I think aliens have invaded.

6 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

โ€œHelp us improve Instagram!โ€ Nice try, fix your own damn website.

17 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

When Hulk wrecks shit heโ€™s โ€œincredible.โ€ When I do it Iโ€™m โ€œcausing a sceneโ€ and โ€œneed to leave this place immediately.โ€

18 folks are currently checking ๐Ÿ‘€

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because youโ€™re awake for all of it.

Funny Quotes Data ๐Ÿค“

New Funny Quotes

calculatingโ€ฆ

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,645

Activity Log โœจ

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ง๐Ÿ‡ผ has copied:

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฟ has viewed:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and Iโ€™m like, cool, can one of you reach the top shelf for me.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡พ๐Ÿ‡ช has shared:

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ต๐Ÿ‡ญ has shared:

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars. Most of these idiots can barely drive as it is.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ has bookmarked:

Kinda sucks that the prize for washing your laundry is getting to fold your laundry.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฉ has downloaded:

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฟ has downloaded:

The place where you pour in the gas is the carโ€™s gasshole.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ง has shared:

Television is better for you than phone. It is like vaping vs smoking.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ด๐Ÿ‡ฒ has shared:

I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I donโ€™t want to go.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡ณ has shared:

You want me to do Pilates? The thing that killed Jesus?

Social Media Log ๐Ÿ’ซ

Spreading quickly via Discord:

Not to brag, but I can put my socks on without sitting down.

Breaking via X:

Imagine going to see a situationship in 1868, and you go outside, and your horse is dead as hell.

Going viral on Discord:

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

Spotted on Threads:

Do people who love escape rooms not know about IKEA?

Shared recently on TikTok:

Most people think that T-Rexes canโ€™t clap because they have short arms, but really itโ€™s because theyโ€™re dead.

Going viral on Messenger:

If at first you don’t succeed, the internet will let you know immediately.

Just landed via Telegram:

I didnโ€™t mean to mimic your voice, I just had to know what it felt like to sound like that.

Spotted on Snapchat:

I taped a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside, that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Just landed via Instagram:

But are we sure that stomachs are meant to be flat?

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