To bed then. To bed with you! Guards, take him to my bed!

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Shazam, but for whatever the hell goes on in the apartment upstairs.

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I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket.

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I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for too long.

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I’ll be like “it is what it is” and almost vomit from anxiety.

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Doesn’t matter, Your Honor! I, for one, found it very funny.

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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

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They say “When you snooze, you lose”… I say “When you take a nappy, you are happy.”

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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

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I want to be cuddled, but I also want to be left alone. Being crazy is hard.

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I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.