Isolation, the most goated coping mechanism. I love talking to no one and losing my mind alone. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“Nothing burger” is such a funny phrase. Americans when nothing: so imagine a burger. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Kids be like, I see you have a moment to yourself, and I must correct that immediately. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Imagining how cathartic it must feel to send forth thousands and thousands of bats from your Transylvanian manor. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You see how in cartoons, when they’re hungry, their friends start looking like a chicken leg? That’s how ovulation feels. Posted onMay 30, 2026
People who take two steps on the stairs are both active and lazy at the same time. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Flirting with submissives is actually really easy. All you gotta do is send a gif of a small animal and say, ‘This is so you.’ Posted onMay 30, 2026
They should go crazier with lab-grown meat. Invent some new animals or something. Mammoth burger. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Y’all ever postpone an outfit? Like, nah, let me save this for a better day? Same. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My diet plan is sometimes, when I’m eating chips, I drop some on the floor, and I don’t eat those ones. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Reading Shakespeare for the first time is crazy because you go, “Oh, that’s where that comes from,” every other page. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Some people come into your life to remind you why you don’t wanna let anyone into your life. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Cinderella had one night out, and it changed her life. I had one night out, and it changed my credit score. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Me and my best friend saying, “Hey, who are we to judge,” after spending 6 hours gossiping. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip, so he wouldn’t lose any. Reader, my “sock trick” is rolling matching pairs together. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I hate that I present as an independent woman who doesn’t need any help. It’s a facade. Help me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Pepsi & Coca-Cola can’t even be in the same restaurant… and we want world peace. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Imagine you and me as cows in Switzerland, enjoying the view and saying “moo” every day. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen. Posted onMay 30, 2026