Rehab is a great place to meet people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I like to establish dominance by yawning the minute someone tries to make small talk with me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You will see blonder children than you would ever think possible at expensive ice cream parlours. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The most dangerous part of your 50s is those first few steps after prolonged sitting. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Stop asking people over 40 what we like to do for fun. You’re not gonna like the answer. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I regret to inform you that we must all once again figure out what to make for dinner tonight. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’d end my life from loneliness before I ever talk to ChatGPT like it’s my friend. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living. Posted onMay 30, 2026
It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I think there’s a size limit on engagement rings before they look tacky, to me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I used to love going out with people. Now I weigh the pros and cons of human interaction, like it’s a business decision. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Oh, I’m so excited to wear Uggs, beanies, and oversized sweaters. I can feel fall creeping up. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Made my last mortgage payment. Yay! I still owe a lot, I’m just not paying anymore. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m pretty sure emojis were invented so introverts don’t have to say anything to anyone. Posted onMay 30, 2026
A poorly timed two-factor authentication request will be the thing that finally kills me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I have an AI boyfriend.” No, you don’t. It’s Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve, not Adam and USB. Posted onMay 30, 2026
For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Wild that we could have been foraging for berries and dying off at 33, but we chose this nonsense instead. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’ll make direct eye contact while eating a hot dog, just to make you feel weird. Posted onMay 30, 2026