It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I think there’s a size limit on engagement rings before they look tacky, to me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I used to love going out with people. Now I weigh the pros and cons of human interaction, like it’s a business decision. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Oh, I’m so excited to wear Uggs, beanies, and oversized sweaters. I can feel fall creeping up. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Made my last mortgage payment. Yay! I still owe a lot, I’m just not paying anymore. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m pretty sure emojis were invented so introverts don’t have to say anything to anyone. Posted onMay 30, 2026
A poorly timed two-factor authentication request will be the thing that finally kills me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I have an AI boyfriend.” No, you don’t. It’s Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve, not Adam and USB. Posted onMay 30, 2026
For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Wild that we could have been foraging for berries and dying off at 33, but we chose this nonsense instead. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’ll make direct eye contact while eating a hot dog, just to make you feel weird. Posted onMay 30, 2026
So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Just took a nap in jeans. No one will ever understand the darkness that lurks inside me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I like it when you’re reading a comic and you can tell the writer is pissed about what the last writer did to the character. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Men will ask you zero questions about yourself, and then say they never met anybody like you. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I’m great at saving money, as long as I don’t go anywhere, see anyone, or open my eyes.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Well, I’ve been depressed and poor, but sure, we’ll call it intermittent fasting. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I know Jesus was a carpenter, but I think he would’ve been a better plumber, you know, with the water thing. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Showing up late with an iced coffee is not about poor time management, it’s about knowing how to make an entrance. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Babe, is everything OK? You’ve barely accomplished anything at all in your entire life. Posted onMay 30, 2026