When I’m not posting or returning messages, just know that I’m probably out doing superhero shit. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I feel like a large portion of my adult life has been looking for an adult to do my adulting. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nighttime is when I remember that one weird thing I said in 6th grade, and feel bad about it forever. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nothing makes me feel more powerful than when I write ‘furthermore’ in an email. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I just want someone who can see through all my bullshit and hate me for who I really am. Posted onMay 30, 2026
This year has been the perfect blend of me losing my mind and having the time of my life. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Blocking isn’t enough. I wanna throw tomatoes at you like you’re a medieval criminal. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If David Bowie taught us anything, it’s that being a little weird is better than being forgettable. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Just remembered I can just get drunk after work instead of quitting. That was a close one. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Welcome to Twitter, some random, judgmental stranger will be along shortly to complain about your tweets. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Making her wear those remote-controlled vibrating panties in public so I can inform her when I’m tired and want to leave the party. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You guys ever play a game for hours straight? You start hallucinating the sounds. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Having a sunburn is so humiliating. Now everyone knows I was unprepared for the realities of the wilderness. It marks me as the weakest link. The hungry animals are closing in. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My favorite genre of tweet is conservative guy asking Grok, ‘Is this true?’ and then arguing with it when it doesn’t give him the answer he likes. Posted onMay 30, 2026
As long as I’m alive, I can begin again and again and again, again and again and again, again and again and again. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I used to judge cat owners for giving in to their pets’ whims too easily, but holy shit, these animals are relentless and would starve themselves to organ failure just because one time, weeks ago, they had a taste of some ‘better’ food. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“Your boos mean nothing to me. I’ve seen what you cheer.” Is a goated doctrine. If Rick and Morty gave us anything, it gave us that. Posted onMay 30, 2026