406 funny health quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

May 22, 2026

According to a recent study, women who are a little overweight live longer than men who mention it.

May 22, 2026

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

May 22, 2026

Going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh, this is how you’re living?!”

May 22, 2026

My bear’s diarrhea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

May 22, 2026

Idea: An app that tells you where that bruise came from.

May 22, 2026

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

May 22, 2026

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

May 22, 2026

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful.

May 22, 2026

My doctor no longer prescribes me Viagra. He just left me hanging.

May 22, 2026

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

May 22, 2026

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

May 22, 2026

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

May 22, 2026

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being.

May 22, 2026

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

May 22, 2026

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

May 22, 2026

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

May 22, 2026

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

May 22, 2026

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

May 22, 2026

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

May 22, 2026

My therapist says he can’t take any more of my talk and that I should join a group. So, here I am.

May 22, 2026

It’s actually quite simple: I don’t want to eat less, I just want to weigh less.

May 22, 2026

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

May 22, 2026

Deleting my mental health to focus on social media.

May 22, 2026

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could donate your own body fat to those who need it more urgently?

May 22, 2026

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film.

May 22, 2026

Researchers have discovered that birthdays are healthy. People who have more grow older.

May 22, 2026

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh, that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

May 22, 2026

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

May 22, 2026

Nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple.

May 22, 2026

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns, so obviously I’m dying.

May 21, 2026

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways. In my 40’s: oh.

May 21, 2026

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood.

May 21, 2026

Gonna get my eye looked at today. Usually it’s the other way around.

May 21, 2026

If you’re riding a bike in New York City, it means you care about your health. Riding one in Tennessee means you got a DUI.

May 21, 2026

Seen an ambulance at the hospital. I hope the doctors are okay.

May 21, 2026

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

May 21, 2026

You ever got inside jokes with yourself, or is that schizophrenia?

May 21, 2026

Always stay crazy. Otherwise you’ll go crazy.

May 21, 2026

Have y’all tried calories? They’re so good.

May 21, 2026