406 funny health quotes - Page 4 - Wordgag

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign.

May 21, 2026

Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle?

May 21, 2026

Me as the therapist: “Listen, just take a nap!”

May 21, 2026

I miss phone booths. We used to train our immune system in those things.

May 21, 2026

I’ve been following this strict diet all week and so far all I’ve lost is my patience.

May 21, 2026

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week.

May 21, 2026

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

May 21, 2026

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

May 21, 2026

The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

May 21, 2026

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

May 21, 2026

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

May 21, 2026

Go ahead and get some sleep, everyone. I’ll stay up and handle the overthinking.

May 21, 2026

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

May 21, 2026

Took a bunch of Ibuprofen to keep my posts from being too inflammatory.

May 21, 2026

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

May 21, 2026

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

May 21, 2026

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

May 21, 2026

A garlic a day keeps the doctor away.

May 21, 2026

Only thing that can cure my depression is $500 million.

May 21, 2026

I’m gonna start telling men I know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy.

May 21, 2026

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

May 20, 2026

Drinking 3L of water daily helps you avoid other people’s drama because you’re too busy peeing. Stay hydrated.

May 20, 2026

Don’t forget to set your clocks back to seasonal depression this weekend.

May 20, 2026

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

May 20, 2026

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast.

May 20, 2026

Why isn’t there a mosquito that sucks fat?

May 20, 2026

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

May 20, 2026

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

May 20, 2026

Welcome to your 50s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

May 20, 2026

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just the politics.

May 20, 2026

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

May 20, 2026

Blood pressure too high to chase these hoes.

May 20, 2026

Doing an hour of self-care after 23 hours of self-destruction.

May 20, 2026

Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.

May 20, 2026

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

May 20, 2026

Self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings.

May 20, 2026

My stress stresses me out to the point where I’m too stressed to deal with my stress.

May 20, 2026

My immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter.

May 20, 2026

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

May 20, 2026

Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.

May 20, 2026