220 funny kids quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

May 25, 2026

Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”.

May 25, 2026

Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste.

May 25, 2026

I may be the reason why our kids are ugly, but you’re the reason why they’re stupid.

May 25, 2026

No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done.

May 25, 2026May 25, 2026

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

May 25, 2026

I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.

May 25, 2026

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

May 25, 2026

Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?

May 25, 2026

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

May 25, 2026

I think we all know who to blame for the generation of parents who put too many Ys in their kids’ names. Lynyrd Skynyrd.

May 25, 2026

Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.

May 25, 2026

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get your kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

May 25, 2026

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

May 24, 2026

You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

May 24, 2026

My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

May 24, 2026

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

May 24, 2026

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

May 24, 2026

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours.

May 24, 2026

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

May 23, 2026

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

May 23, 2026

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

May 23, 2026

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

May 23, 2026

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

May 23, 2026

Kids today have it much easier. When I was growing up and something bad happened, we had to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dog listens.

May 23, 2026

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

May 23, 2026

Kids be like: “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it.”

May 23, 2026

Even when I look up the slang of today’s kids, I still have no idea what it means.

May 23, 2026

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

May 23, 2026

I feel sorry for Netflix era kids. They will never know the high stakes adrenaline of running away in an ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ON!” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.

May 23, 2026

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy: Go shopping and leave them at home with their dad.

May 23, 2026

Get a Ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

May 23, 2026

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

May 23, 2026May 23, 2026

You’re an adult. You can do what you want. Wait…You have kids? Never mind.

May 23, 2026

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

May 23, 2026

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

May 23, 2026

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

May 23, 2026

I don’t know why doctors only give stickers to kids? Like, hello, I was also brave today.

May 23, 2026

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

May 23, 2026