220 funny kids quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

May 23, 2026

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

May 23, 2026

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

May 23, 2026

“Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

May 23, 2026

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry right now” and I don’t think this little guy knows how donuts work.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

May 23, 2026

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet.

May 23, 2026

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

May 23, 2026

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

May 23, 2026

Let’s take a family trip in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, trips, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

May 23, 2026

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

May 23, 2026

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called Audacity.

May 23, 2026

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving bloody crumb trails.

May 23, 2026

My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

May 22, 2026

The worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that they’re playing nicely together.

May 22, 2026

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new Pokémon called Puke-Achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life.

May 22, 2026

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

May 22, 2026

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

May 22, 2026

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

May 22, 2026

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are. You can’t have both.

May 22, 2026

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

May 22, 2026

I went to clean bathroom and I’m 99% sure my kids shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon.

May 22, 2026

Just give your kids the iPad. They’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

May 22, 2026

The ways printers are like kids: Need feeding, are noisy and can’t function when offline.

May 22, 2026

Friends with no kids are like: Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

May 22, 2026

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours.

May 22, 2026

I want my house spotless, but kicking my kids out seems wrong.

May 22, 2026

Millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to.

May 22, 2026

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids.

May 22, 2026

I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.

May 22, 2026

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do.

May 22, 2026

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best minute of my day.

May 22, 2026

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

May 22, 2026

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple.

May 22, 2026

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

May 22, 2026

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

May 22, 2026

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

May 22, 2026

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

May 22, 2026

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

May 22, 2026

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

May 22, 2026