388 funny parenting quotes - Page 4 - Wordgag

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

May 25, 2026

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

May 25, 2026

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck.

May 25, 2026

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

May 25, 2026

Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?

May 25, 2026

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

May 25, 2026

It’s important to remember that even parents make mistakes. In fact, it’s how many of us became parents.

May 25, 2026

My favorite part of parenting is being exhausted all the time and losing the will to live.

May 25, 2026

Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.

May 25, 2026

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

May 25, 2026

The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.

May 25, 2026

No one suddenly needs anything more than a kid whose mom has just sat down and gotten comfortable.

May 25, 2026

Maybe your baby is crying because it doesn’t like you.

May 25, 2026

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get your kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

May 25, 2026

Alexa, mute my children.

May 24, 2026

If your name is “Guy”, you have lazy parents.

May 24, 2026

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

May 24, 2026

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

May 24, 2026

A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

May 24, 2026

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

May 24, 2026

God sends you an only child as a friend to test you.

May 24, 2026

Pregnancy is crazy. You really come home with someone you don’t know, with no teeth.

May 24, 2026

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

May 24, 2026

My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

May 24, 2026

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum.

May 24, 2026

A toddler in their “why” phase makes you realize how little you know.

May 24, 2026

Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite movie about violating a custody agreement.

May 24, 2026

Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.

May 24, 2026

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

May 24, 2026

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours.

May 24, 2026

“Baby on board” Okay, well, can you tell him to drive faster?

May 24, 2026

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

May 23, 2026

If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

May 23, 2026

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up.

May 23, 2026

Welcome to parenting! The only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

May 23, 2026

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it, little dude, life is hard.

May 23, 2026

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

May 23, 2026

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

May 23, 2026

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude, you aren’t the one paying for it. Stop!

May 23, 2026

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

May 23, 2026