388 funny parenting quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dog listens.

May 23, 2026

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

May 23, 2026

Hug your children as often as you can. They can’t break things during this time.

May 23, 2026

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

May 23, 2026

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, work when the baby works.

May 23, 2026

90% of parenting is wondering when you can lie down again.

May 23, 2026

The worst thing about having children is the parents of the other children.

May 23, 2026

A general rule of parenting: if you’re having a great day, the day isn’t old enough yet.

May 23, 2026

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

May 23, 2026

The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.

May 23, 2026

If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.

May 23, 2026

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

May 23, 2026

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week.

May 23, 2026

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

May 23, 2026

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

May 23, 2026

Get a Ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

May 23, 2026

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

May 23, 2026

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

May 23, 2026May 23, 2026

You’re an adult. You can do what you want. Wait…You have kids? Never mind.

May 23, 2026

If you like constant interruptions when you’re trying to get something done, then parenting might be for you.

May 23, 2026

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children.

May 23, 2026

Nothing is impossible, except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

May 23, 2026

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

May 23, 2026

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

May 23, 2026

Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.

May 23, 2026

Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

May 23, 2026

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

May 23, 2026

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

May 23, 2026

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

May 23, 2026

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

May 23, 2026

“Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

May 23, 2026

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

May 23, 2026

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

May 23, 2026

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

May 23, 2026

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

May 23, 2026

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

May 23, 2026

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

May 23, 2026

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

May 23, 2026

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

May 23, 2026