Funny quotes today

159 Funny today quotes

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to flirt today.

4 days ago

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

2 weeks ago

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t need anything from Amazon today.

4 weeks ago

Tried to be a responsible adult today. Won’t be doing that again.

1 month ago

Don’t forget to make everything about you today.

1 month ago

The only squat I’m even considering doing today is diddly.

1 month ago

Be the reason someone spits out their drink today.

1 month ago

Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year old wearing a Batman cape.

1 month ago

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

1 month ago

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like 7 years in a row now.

1 month ago

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

1 month ago

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

1 month ago

Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

1 month ago

I’m super lazy today. It’s like normal lazy but I’m wearing a cape.

1 month ago

I’m not feeling very worky today.

1 month ago

Today I started gardening. I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.

1 month ago

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!

1 month ago

I’m so tired. Let’s see all of the horrible things happening in the world today before I try to sleep peacefully.

1 month ago

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

1 month ago

Sorry, boss, I can’t come in to work today, I’m gonna be playing outside.

1 month ago

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

1 month ago

I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

2 months ago

A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

2 months ago

In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

2 months ago

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

2 months ago

Anyone know if we got the meek inheriting the Earth today?

3 months ago

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

3 months ago

It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

3 months ago

Be nice today, the world is on fire.

3 months ago

Okay, that’s enough todaying for today.

3 months ago