285 funny today quotes - Wordgag

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

May 22, 2026

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

May 22, 2026

One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

May 22, 2026

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.“

May 22, 2026

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

May 22, 2026

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.

May 22, 2026

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

May 22, 2026

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

May 22, 2026

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

May 22, 2026

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

May 22, 2026

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today, they’re from me.

May 22, 2026

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

May 22, 2026

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

May 22, 2026

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

May 22, 2026

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

May 22, 2026

I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.

May 22, 2026

Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

May 22, 2026

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels.

May 22, 2026

It was so hot today, I thought I was going to be cremated.

May 22, 2026

My son got braces today. Yay, he’s not going to be a teenage dad.

May 22, 2026

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today, I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

May 22, 2026

Today is a wonderful day to leave me alone.

May 22, 2026

Went to the hairdresser today and now I look much younger. I’m thinking about going back tomorrow.

May 22, 2026

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

May 22, 2026

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

May 22, 2026

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

May 22, 2026

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

May 21, 2026

We used to have “spring, summer, fall, winter”. Today we have “drama, drama, drama, drama”.

May 21, 2026

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

May 21, 2026

Gonna get my eye looked at today. Usually it’s the other way around.

May 21, 2026

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

May 21, 2026

Today sucked so bad, I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

May 21, 2026

Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.

May 21, 2026

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

May 21, 2026

I’m already excited about who I’m going to think sucks first today.

May 21, 2026

Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.

May 21, 2026

Back then, my parents were afraid of what I would do on the Internet. Today, I’m afraid of what my parents do on the Internet.

May 21, 2026

I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

May 21, 2026

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

May 21, 2026

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

May 21, 2026