115 funny us quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Maybe Monday is more scared of us than we are of it… we don’t know.

May 19, 2026

Yeah, the planet is dying. The government hates us. The animals are leaving. The aliens aren’t contacting us. We might be alone. It just might be you and me.

May 19, 2026

Please don’t match my crazy. One of us has to be rational here, and it’s definitely not going to be me.

May 19, 2026

If David Bowie taught us anything, it’s that being a little weird is better than being forgettable.

May 19, 2026

“Your boos mean nothing to me. I’ve seen what you cheer.” Is a goated doctrine. If Rick and Morty gave us anything, it gave us that.

May 19, 2026

It is so weird that every single one of us is going to die, and we are not nicer to each other.

May 18, 2026

We use our phones to watch videos that remind us of what life was like before we had phones.

May 18, 2026

They were called “TV programs” because they were literally programming us, bro.

May 18, 2026

Jane Austen gave us men who crossed fields in the rain. Mine left me on read, and liked someone else’s story.

May 18, 2026

Stop acting your age. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

May 18, 2026

Another day of meaningless suffering. Let’s see what awaits us tomorrow.

Apr 3, 2026

Thoughts & prayers to all of us back at work tomorrow after the colossal mistake of thinking we’d be lads of leisure forever, for some reason.

Apr 1, 2026

Travelling through the US by car is beautiful because you feel like a blood cell in a very sick man’s body.

Apr 1, 2026

Commenting “This could be us” on her pics with her boyfriend.

Apr 1, 2026

The absolute hottest thing you can do in front of a woman is tame a horse, but unfortunately, modern life affords us little opportunities for that.

Apr 1, 2026

US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history?

Apr 1, 2026

Prison pen pal doesn’t want us to write each other anymore. Finds my life too depressing.

Apr 1, 2026

Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages?

Apr 1, 2026

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster… so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

Apr 1, 2026

The reason most of us stay up late is because we don’t want our free time to end, and tomorrow to start.

Apr 1, 2026

The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

Mar 31, 2026

Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.

Mar 31, 2026

Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m old enough to remember when the hole in the ozone layer killed us all off.

Mar 31, 2026

Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.

Mar 31, 2026

Sarah Connor would be awfully disappointed in us all, letting this Grok into our lives.

Mar 31, 2026

All I’m saying is that porn gives us an unrealistic expectation of how quickly the electrician shows up.

Mar 31, 2026

I believe that emails are trying to tell us something.

Mar 31, 2026

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the driver gave us a knock this morning to make sure we were OK.

Mar 31, 2026

Unfortunately for the both of us, I really like you.

Mar 31, 2026

Please stop assuming that too many em dashes mean AI written. Some of us are producing grammatically incoherent work the honest way!

Mar 31, 2026

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

Mar 31, 2026

So we have actual fact checkers who know all the facts? Why not create a TV channel where they just give us the facts? We could call it the News.

Mar 31, 2026

I don’t think we’ll ever see aliens. I bet that they’re just gathering information and waiting for us to destroy ourselves.

Mar 31, 2026

There are real people living amongst us who pay for Discord Nitro.

Mar 30, 2026

If cartoons have taught us anything, it’s the uselessness of little umbrellas when plummeting from a cliff.

Mar 30, 2026

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

Mar 30, 2026

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Mar 30, 2026

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up, and more to warn the rest of us.

Mar 30, 2026

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job.

Mar 30, 2026