I should’ve existed as a tree.

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Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”.

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Apparently, when you treat someone the same way they treat you, they get offended!

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Okay, seen enough, someone put a blanket over my cage.

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Good morning, especially if they tried to make you go to rehab and you said “no, no, no.”

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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding, but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

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I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

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My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.