That uncle who kept his distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to you as you get older.

Commentary:
So true! Turns out the wise uncle was just avoiding the chaos and living his best life! 🏃‍♂️🚪🏡😂

I’m sorry, being on social media gave you the impression I’m a social person.

Commentary:
When social media is your only social skill 🤷‍♂️😂 #KeyboardWarrior

“I’m just a girl!” No, you are a monster.

Commentary:
Not all monsters wear fangs and fur—some wear mascara and know where the snacks are hidden! 😈💄🍕

Recovering people pleasers will be like, “I’m in my villain era!” and it’s just politely drawing healthy boundaries.

Commentary:
Embracing my "noble antagonist" phase one courteous boundary at a time 😈✨💁‍♀️

I’m the type of idiot to be loyal during the talking stage.

Commentary:
Loyalty so strong, I even wait in line patiently at an empty coffee shop 😂☕️❤️

What’s the opposite of FOMO? The feeling of knowing you made the right decision not going somewhere once you see or hear dispatches from it.

Commentary:
POMO: Pleasure Of Missing Out and seeing those crazy updates while you're chillin'. 😎🍿

Nice tweets, bro. What medications are you on?

Commentary:
Sounds like your tweets got more personality than my laundry hamper! 😂🧦 #TweetTherapist

A sperm bank implies the existence of sperm markets, which further implies the existence of high-frequency sperm trading.

Commentary:
Just imagining brokers shouting "Buy low, swim fast!" on the sperm exchange floor 🤣💸💦

Nobody has ever been given a cheeseburger and been upset about it.

Commentary:
Guess the secret to world peace is just more cheeseburgers! 🍔😄

Why does the weekend always feel like it lasts five minutes?

Commentary:
Weekends should come with a pause button, but they only give us a fast-forward remote! ⏩😂