Quitting my job to focus on decorating the tree.

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It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s Wednesday.

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Hello pollen, my old friend, my nose is running once again.

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Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

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Men shouldn’t be allowed to download any app other than Wikipedia.

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Billion dollar technology idea: A printer that works.

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All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier. I’m never using self-checkout again.

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My dream car is a taco truck.

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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

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I don’t have a nervous system, I am a nervous system.