Saw a big spider crawl into my closet last night. He’s probably in there trying on all my clothes, acting like he’s me.

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I’m so bored of being bored, because being bored is really boring.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has downloaded:

I received my electricity bill. I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Is it just me, or were we promised a totally different frog-to-prince ratio?

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Men used to smoke Marlboros. Now they cry when they lose their strawberry cheesecake vape.

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Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

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Britney Spears working at an ice-cream shop called ‘Scoops, I did it again.’

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I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has shared:

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please make it study.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has shared:

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.