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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇷 has bookmarked:

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has downloaded:

Taking action is my least favorite thing to take.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has shared:

All I want for Christmas this year is the housing market to crash, so I could buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom house for $3.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has downloaded:

Going to all the Halloween parties this year as the Invisible Man.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has shared:

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of Kung Fu Panda we could have had Tae Kwon Dodo.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has shared:

Yes, hello, I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth, please.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has bookmarked:

If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my horniest.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has downloaded:

I’m sorry, but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

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3,301

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via TikTok:

Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

Broadcasted on Discord:

Don’t worry, nobody noticed the weird thing you did. They’re too busy with the weird thing you said.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

A female will ghost you, and the whole time she is waiting for you to text back again.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

You wish you had this many chins.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

Addicted to bad posture like why is it so comfortable to sit like a cooked shrimp.

Live now on Slack:

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas.

Some things are better left unsaid, unless you’re on X.

3 months ago

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Why keep it to yourself when you can share it with the world and regret it later? 😂🔊 #NoFilter

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28 shares on Telegram this month:

For my birthday, I want everyone to delete whatever old version of me they have in their head— it expired.

48 shares on Telegram this month:

Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.

44 shares on X this month:

Extrovert self made too many plans and now introvert self is pissed.

74 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I have a lot to offer! Most of it’s bad, but it’s still a lot.

84 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Nothing bad can happen while you’re under a blanket. Just remember that.

54 shares on TikTok this month:

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head.

97 shares on WeChat this month:

Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.

26 shares on X this month:

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

91 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

85 shares on WhatsApp this month:

If a woman watches a TV show alone, who answers all of her questions?

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇫🇯 has downloaded:

When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has bookmarked:

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has downloaded:

I only look up to people that are taller than me and really that’s about the extent of it.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has shared:

Smart people are like huskies. If you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has shared:

I have never read a Hacker News thread where any of the commenters seemed as if their life contained joy.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has shared:

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

Adulting has stunned me into silence. I have no thoughts, no remarks and no commentary at the moment.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has bookmarked:

NFTs were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has viewed:

Water bottle leaking in your bag is a top 10 worst experience.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Telegram:

I’d make room in my pillow fort for you.

Spotted on TikTok:

It was so hot today, I thought I was going to be cremated.

Just landed via Slack:

I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

Going viral on Reddit:

My addiction to buying things I don’t need started at the school book fair.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

Do you remember when you looked through binoculars upside down and everyone was really far away? That was nice.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup.

Shared recently on WeChat:

In a room full of art, I’d still stare at you.

Freshly posted on Threads:

People in 1999 were using the Internet as an escape from reality. People today are using reality as an escape from the Internet.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

Going viral on Facebook:

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works.

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Activity Log ✨

Some things are better left unsaid, unless you’re on X.

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I can still fit in the earrings I wore in high school.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

The nicest thing I’ve done for a date is turn up.

Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.

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Some things are better left unsaid, unless you’re on X.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I can still fit in the earrings I wore in high school.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

The nicest thing I’ve done for a date is turn up.

Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.

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