They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

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One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

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Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

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At my next job, I’m gonna lie about having a kid so I can leave the office anytime I want like everyone else with children.

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Sorry I’m late. I was scraping the clearance tag off your Christmas present.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has downloaded:

How can you not appreciate a drunk text? Someone is absolutely off their face and still thinking of you.

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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has downloaded:

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike.

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Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

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I could win awards for having a bad memory. In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

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I wanted to study psychology, but I have more potential as a patient, to be honest.