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I drive like I’m immortal.

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No, I’m not stressed. I just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

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During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.

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I don’t get enough credit for acting far less crazy than I actually am.

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I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work. I’ve already taken five of them, and I still don’t feel like doing the dishes!

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Shoutout to Netflix for being the only one that checks in on me every few hours. “Are you still watching?” Yeah, babe, thank you for asking.