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Donโ€™t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet.

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Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.

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I hate when the lotion bottle pump squirts the hardened remains of its mucus plug into the palm of your hand.

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Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.

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I want to sit and read, take a nap, and snack. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.

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I am half agony, half hope.

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Caveman bartender: “This one’s on the cave.”

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I am AOL Instant Messenger years old.

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I’m actually really good looking if you don’t look at me.

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I’ve been saying for years that cigs are better for you than vapes, and the vindication I feel now is just orgasmic.

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Adulthood is really discovering half your family is mentally ill.

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Family gatherings are just therapy sessions with snacks ๐Ÿช๐Ÿคช๐Ÿ›‹๏ธ



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