Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon! Posted onMay 30, 2026
My morning routine is basically just me convincing myself not to go back to bed. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My spirit animal is that one bird that knocks itself unconscious, flying into windows. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I admire how time manages to quickly heal wounds but takes forever to remove awkward tan lines. Posted onMay 30, 2026
A guy who never leaves his apartment so he can get the maximum value out of his rent. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My favorite thing to do when I see people I know in public is to pretend I didn’t. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother, and we should respect her. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Crossing things off my to-do list… I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I typed my name into Google’s search bar and it immediately auto-filled to “Doesn’t even listen to instructions” before crashing under the weight of disappointed search results. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Much like a candle, I was tall when I was young, but I get shorter as I grow old. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I think social media is marvellous. You type your thoughts into it, and then insane people let you know if they like them or not. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My life goal is to make you feel as awkward or awesome as you are making me feel. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If we’ve got the technology to make heated car seats, then where the hell are the seats that automatically cool down in the summer? Make it happen, nerds. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Putting a hot frying pan into a sink running with cold water makes me feel like a blacksmith. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Not sure what’s longer: a microwave minute or watching a video while someone else is holding the phone, insisting it’s hilarious. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Going to the bathroom at night with my flashlight on and a dog next to me feels like I’m gonna solve a mystery. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nudes are outdated. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb. Posted onMay 30, 2026