I’m afraid that AI will quickly realize that the biggest problem on Earth is humans – and then solve the problem. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn’t smell. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The greatest trick ever was making people feel more connected, when they are actually more alone than ever. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nothing ruins your weekend faster than remembering Monday is lurking in the shadows. Posted onMay 30, 2026
When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Manipulative birthday text to an ex idea: thank you for loving me briefly in the way that only you could. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You will watch an old classic movie that kind of sucks. Then, on the IMDb trivia, it says, this was the first time a film director ever pointed the camera at the sun. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The older I get, the easier it is for me to look at a situation and say: “Yeahhh, I’m out.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I need a new hobby that costs zero dollars and takes up 100% of my free time. So far, all I’ve come up with is mowing the lawn. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Something very chic about crying while driving… have to keep it a little classy so you don’t crash… other drivers unaware a diva is down in the next lane over… Posted onMay 30, 2026
If you’re thinking of becoming a parent, just imagine working 6,570 days straight without a day off. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You get your hands on a real serious pair of scissors and wonder what the hell they were doing with the regular ones. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m one group chat away from vanishing into the woods to befriend forest creatures. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
People see me spending money and think I’m rich. No, bro, I’m just irresponsible. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Cats are the best authoritarians. You will do their bidding, and you will like it. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sometimes I think the subway rat is doing better than me. He has a routine, a social circle, and knows where to find the best pizza. Posted onMay 30, 2026