No offense, fellas, we love compliments, but a compliment from another woman means just a little bit more. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Statistically speaking, on average, a person has two arms, two legs, one testicle, and one ovary. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My toxic trait is thinking I can nap, then waking up 3 hours later in a parallel universe where I missed everything. Posted onMay 30, 2026
When you’re a parent, your skincare routine is just the steam from the dishwasher when you open it to find the coffee cup you just needed. Posted onMay 30, 2026
People who think naps are a waste of time obviously don’t understand how naps work. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I was born tired, and I will die tired. If I ever tell you I’m not tired, I’m probably lying. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sorry, my bedroom looks like a child with a credit card decorated it. Do you still want to bone? Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m afraid that AI will quickly realize that the biggest problem on Earth is humans – and then solve the problem. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn’t smell. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The greatest trick ever was making people feel more connected, when they are actually more alone than ever. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nothing ruins your weekend faster than remembering Monday is lurking in the shadows. Posted onMay 30, 2026
When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Manipulative birthday text to an ex idea: thank you for loving me briefly in the way that only you could. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You will watch an old classic movie that kind of sucks. Then, on the IMDb trivia, it says, this was the first time a film director ever pointed the camera at the sun. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The older I get, the easier it is for me to look at a situation and say: “Yeahhh, I’m out.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I need a new hobby that costs zero dollars and takes up 100% of my free time. So far, all I’ve come up with is mowing the lawn. Posted onMay 30, 2026