Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn’t smell.

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It’s really sad that April Fools is the only day people are appropriately skeptical of stuff they read on the internet.

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Nothing bad can happen while you’re under a blanket. Just remember that.

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Don’t come to my house unannounced. I will stare at you from my window.

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Welcome to middle age. Everything you encounter is either blurry or too loud now.

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They should make a movie that’s good the whole way through.

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That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don’t know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.

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The world was better off when street gangs settled things with choreographed dance battles.