62 funny hand quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

May 23, 2026

I’m not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when I see that I have a good hand.

May 22, 2026

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it.

May 22, 2026

You can count the number of times my wife has agreed with me on one hand, if you don’t have fingers.

May 22, 2026

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control in their hand.

May 22, 2026

Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

May 22, 2026

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

May 22, 2026

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

May 21, 2026

With a lollipop in one hand and a dandelion in the other, concentration is very important, as every summer child knows.

May 21, 2026

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

May 21, 2026

Anyone who deals with customers on a professional basis should be allowed to hand out one face slap per day.

May 21, 2026

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

May 21, 2026

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

May 20, 2026

I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.

May 20, 2026

I’m sorry I bit your hand when you reached for my popcorn.

May 20, 2026

I hate when the lotion bottle pump squirts the hardened remains of its mucus plug into the palm of your hand.

May 20, 2026

Sorry for texting you back instantly. My phone was in my hand, and I’m mature and actually like you.

May 19, 2026

Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.

May 19, 2026

We literally used to write an essay by hand.

May 19, 2026

I don’t understand why my cooking was garbage. I did everything right. I drank wine while I cooked. I had a hand towel over my shoulder. Literally everything right.

May 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

May 19, 2026

To-do list: bite the hand that feeds me, put all my eggs in one basket, kill two birds with one stone, let the cat out of the bag, think inside the box, burn bridges, walk on thin ice, play with fire.

May 19, 2026